Monday, November 14, 2011

This is not a happy funny post

So you have been warned.  This is not a feel good happy post.  It isn't a post that isn't suppose to be funny yet is.  This is a my heart is a little broken post.
Last week was a little rough for me for a variety of reasons and I really didn't talk about but this morning it weighs heavy on my mind.  Isn't this one of the purposes of my blog?  So I can write and then talk about things that are happening, that make me happy or sad?  I like the act of typing it out and working through some of these thoughts and feelings. I like the fact that no one will instantly say something in response because maybe I do not want to hear your words.  Maybe I expect everyone to feel as emotional as I do which is not a reality.  Neither right or wrong everyone feels and deals with things in their own way.  Blog comments are easier to bear sometimes you can read them at your leisure and not have to deal with the person on the other end of them looking at you.  So if this post is too heavy for you I apologize.  Skip it and move on to a happier more sarcastic normal me post.  I don't mind in the least but I have to talk about this and I choose to do that here.  I am a venter and this is the best place for me to vent.

November 10th was my moms birthday.  She passed away in 2006 while I was living in Japan.  She had been ill but I was not prepared for that phone call.  I was so angry that she was gone before I even knew what was happening and I felt robbed of saying goodbye.  I had talked to her the Saturday before but it was such a short conversation.  I told her happy news that we were expecting another baby, that we had just received orders to move to Idaho which was much closer to home.  It was not enough.
I miss her everyday.  Did we have the perfect relationship?  No.  We fought and disagreed and annoyed one another just like everyone else but we were really really close.  Things are just not the same without her and I realize that she is better off.  She was so sick & her quality of life was diminished every single day and she was miserable.  It makes it easier when I think of it that way but selfishly I want her here.  When it is 9am here and everyone else that I would call is sleeping and I want someone to talk to I get mad and sad that I can't call her because she would be up.

Also on November 10th is the day I lost one of my babies in 2007.  My husband was deployed and I had two toddlers at home.  I found out I was pregnant two days after he left.  We were surprised but so excited.  A few days later I was in the hospital calling my friend to leave work to come pick up my boys, calling my sister and asking her to drop everything and drive up because I was going to have surgery, calling my husband to tell him what had happened.  I felt like such a failure. I realize that it was completely out of my hands but in that moment I racked my brain trying to figure out what I had done to cause this.  I was devastated.  The night I got home from my hospital the boys got the stomach flu and it was a nasty one.  All I wanted to do was curl up in my bed and ignore the world but I couldn't because there were two little boys who were puking their guts out who needed mommy.  I remember thinking, "You've got to be freaking kidding me with this... how much more do I need thrown at me?  I can't do this."  
Yes I realized then and now that my life was really good, even in that bleak speck of time others had it so much worse than me but it does not mean that the pain I was feeling was not justified or that it was no hard for me.  Looking back now the boys getting sick was such a blessing even though that is not what I thought at the time.   I would have climbed into bed and not climbed out for awhile had I the choice. I could have easily let  the depression swallow me.  But that was not an option.  I had two little ones to take care of and I had to get up and do it.  Life moves on every minute whether we want it to or not.  I also see that not finding out I was pregnant sooner {which is rare for me} and losing it so fast was a blessing.  I was truly devastated and I miss that baby all the time but had it gone on longer and I become even more attached it would have been so much worse.  I can't fathom the pain that other people have felt that have had miscarriages later in pregnancy, or have delivered a stillborn or had a child die sometime in childhood.  I don't know how they survive .... but they do.  Does that mean their pain is more than mine or  mine less because my baby was only 10 - 12 weeks old rather than 9 months... no I don't think so.  Just different.

In 2008 and 2009 I am pretty sure I did my best to not talk to anyone or do much of anything but be depressed on that day.  2010 I don't remember.  This year though I decided it needed to be different.

On Thursday I got up and thought I will not wallow.  I will live because I am here and that is what I am meant to do.  I showered, I got dressed up.  I made sure I played with my kids and was in a good mood all day.  It was not easy but it was important.
 I think it is good to reflect and remember but do not wallow.  Do not let despair and grief swallow you whole because there is so much to be done here and now.  So remember but do something positive, help someone out do a good deed or just go have a really great day.  So much laughter and joy are just waiting for us in life we just have to grab it.  So go out there folks and grab life and shake all the fun and laughter you can out of it.  Forget your laundry and chores and just go seek out some joy.  You will not look back and say wow I am so happy my house was always spotless but my kids watched too much tv.  Nope.  Truly living and learning is what it is about not how little dust you have :)

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